Bad Date Tip of the Week

We've already seen a lot of bad date plans on this blog, and it seems that any activity is good for a first date these days (a cousin's temple wedding, work, the ATM). And I feel like every time I turn around someone is suggesting that some random event would 'make a great date'--firesides, guest lectures at school, community fundraisers, etc.

So I've thought of a few good bad date activities myself:

• The dentist: what's more romantic than a teeth cleaning? You could bring your date along as a spectator to your own oral hygeine experience, or (even better) set up joint appointments.
• A job interview: dates and interviews are basically the same thing anyway, so why not combine all the most nervousy experiences of life into one great trainwreck of an afternoon?
• The pharmacy: (to pick up your prescriptions). It's never too early to share medical histories.
  
• A funeral: seriously, try it, and let me know how it goes.
• A blood drive: if I had brought a date with me to give blood last week, we would have learned very important information about each other. He would have learned how I respond to highly stressful situations; and I would have learned how he responds to people hyperventilating.

Male Perspective: Another Bad Date Plan

One time I asked a girl out to go swing dancing. I knew she liked swing dancing, she went every week. There was a live band and a big dance floor, only problem was I didn’t know how to swing dance. Sometimes you have to look back at these things and laugh.

Male Perspective: Bad Plans and the Dangers of Texting

One time I wanted to take a girl to something more classy than a movie—I got a list of plays in the area and found one I had never heard of, but some reviews said it was funny. Big mistake.

We walked out after the first act. The F bomb was dropped throughout. And it was less funny than a Woody Allen film.

Strike 2-we went to the pier to get milkshakes at Ruby’s. After putting coins in the meter, we walked to the end of the pier only to find out Ruby’s was closed. So we headed to In-N-Out for milkshakes.

Our second date I asked her out via text message. She responded, but I didn’t get the message until 2 weeks later. I sent another text message asking her if she wanted to go out. She responded, “Sorry I’m seeing someone now.” And that was the end of that.

Creepy Weird Clueless: Part 2

Friday evening came. I was in my apartment alone and contemplating not answering the door, and leaving my phone on the kitchen table, in view from the front window, and not answering that either while hiding in my room. But I was too nice, and answered the door.

We got in his car and he informed me that he needed to stop at the bank inside Albertsons to make a withdrawal. He parked in the Albertsons parking lot and went in, I stayed in the car - contemplating if I should get out of the car and run like mad. But again, I was too nice to ditch out and I stayed.

Next we went to his apartment and made a cake for the group date, but he didn't have any frosting, so it was plain cake in a metal pan. Actually he made the cake, while I sat in the living room watching TV with his roomate. After that we got in his car and drove to his work. He worked for some medical transportation company, they would drive old people from their home to the hospital and back. He told me that he needed to pick up a patient and take her home. He got the keys to the big work van and we got in. We drove to the hospital where we waited for half an hour for the old lady to finish dialysis. When she was done, he wheeled her out to the van and loaded and buckled her in. He introduced us, slightly awkward. We drove to her house and I sat in the van as he unloaded her and took her in. We drove back to his work to switch back to his car.

Now the date actually begins. We drove to Devin's house, the guy who put together the group date. We brought the cake in, and everyone thought it was so weird and they just put it aside. We ate pizza and played card games, after which we went downstairs to watch a Halloween movie. As soon as the lights went out he was all over me; trying to cuddle with me, laying on my lap, sitting so uncomfortably close. I painstakingly waited for the movie to finish. When we were leaving he noticed no one ate the cake so he cut half of out and left it for everyone to eat later. We got in the car and he proceeded to drive me home.

We get to my apartment, he opens my car door, I step out and he tells me to bring up the cake so we can eat some. We get into my apartment, none of my roommates are home. Steve and I sat at the table talking for a long time. I really wanted him to leave so I stopped talking as much, giving as short as possible answers hoping he would get the hint. Nope. One of my roommates finally came home, but went straight to her room and closed the door. Thanks for the privacy. I stood up and walked towards the door, Steven followed, but then stopped to continue blabbing.

After a while of that I finally opened the door and went outside, he sat on the steps and continued to talk my ear off, forever. Like he was stalling cause he probably wanted to kiss me or something. Sick. Finally I just told him that I had to get up really early the next morning (which was a complete lie). So he hugged me and left.

A few days later he called and invited me to do something, to which I declined and told him I was too busy (complete lie, I learned my lesson the hard way). The next few days he continued to call, all of which I ignored and did not answer. After a few weeks he quit calling. Fast forward to New Years Eve. I was out shopping with my roommate, and guess who calls, Steve. Of course I did not answer. He left a message asking what I was doing and wishing me a Happy New Year. Whatever, he wanted a New Years kiss and he wasn't getting one.

A while later I was talking with Carrie (who knew the whole date story and phone calls). She told me that Steve had talked to Doug saying, "I totally don't understand why she's not answering, I thought our first date went so well". Doug then informed him of his wrongs. Hopfully Steve has learned his lesson.

This Really Did Happen

Setting: It is July 3, 2005. I moved into a new apartment. It is my first Sunday afternoon. The phone rings.

Me: Hello.

Caller: Hello. This is Ryan. Is Mary there?

Me: Nope, sorry.

Caller: Ok. Is Emily there?

Me: No.

Caller: How about Kate?

Me: No. I'm the only one home actually.

Caller: Well, who is this?

Me: This is Rachel. I just moved in.

Caller: Oh. I met you in church today. Right before Sacrament meeting. What are you doing tomorrow?

He was looking for a date to go to his FAMILY REUNION on the 4th of July. UMM . . . no. Luckily I had plans.

Two weeks later he calls on a Tuesday evening to see if I want to go play laser tag on a Saturday night. I figure everyone deserves one chance (unless they are a creep), so I said yes.

Friday, the day before the date, he calls again.

Ryan: You aren't by chance endowed are you?

Me: Nope.

Ryan: Oh. Well the reason I asked is because I just found out my cousin is getting married tomorrow, and I was going to see if you wanted to go. Do you care if we go to their reception for our date instead?

To your cousins SEALING? The RECEPTION?

Me: You know, I have a work party, so I'll just go to it, you go to your reception, and we can go out another time.

Nathan: Oh! I'll go with you. Then you come with me. We'll do both.

(Note to single boys: your cousin's wedding reception is NEVER a good idea for a first date.)

This story gets better.

So we get to my work party and, of course, I'm feeling very awkward. My friend Chris, who I can tell is going to tease me about this later, says:

Chris: So Ryan. What are you studying?

Ryan: I'm studying computer science, but I should be doing public relations.

Chris: Yeah, because people that do computer science generally don't have very good people skills. (Snicker Snicker)

NEXT, we get in the car and I ask: Where is this reception?

Chris: Oh. It's in Bountiful.

BOUNTIFUL?!?!?! ARE YOU KIDDING????
BOUNTIFUL IS OVER AN HOUR AWAY!

So we drive up and have awkward conversation. Then we get there and he walks me around to every table and introduces me to every single person.

"This is Rachel. We're on a first date."

Then he asks if I want to dance, while ONLY THE BRIDE AND GROOM are dancing and everyone else is standing around taking pictures and crying.

THEN! We drive home and he tells me about his health problems. One of which, I might add, include YEAST!

I didn't realize boys could have problems with yeast.

Then, thankfully, he dropped me off at 10 pm because he is never in bed past 10 pm.

The next two weeks were followed by random text messages that said, "Hey, do you want to go play catch sometime?"

Beethoven

Jukeboxes are fun, but not for more than 15 minutes. I learned this from experience.

I was on a double blind date, and we had just ordered dinner at a famous Provo landmark: The Malt Shoppe. So far, so good. Then the jukebox caught my date's eye--he rushed over to put all of his life's savings in the machine, gushing that there were so many good songs to choose from. "Whatever," I thought, "I just hope they'll turn off the other elevator music coming over the restaurant's speakers." (They didn't.)

The dinner conversation consisted of my date telling us the title, artist, album, year released, genre, and history of each song he had chosen. Glares ensued if we didn't get trivia correct--"I mean, come on! Don't you guys know this one?!"

Fast forward a half hour: three of us were ready to move on to the next activity. My date, however, had other plans. "Wait, we still haven't heard all the songs I paid for yet!" We continued the "conversation," but this time without the distraction of dinner.

It finally got interesting when my date asked us, "Ok, guys, what's the best song--with lyrics--ever written?" We each gave a deer-in-the-headlights look and shrugged. Knowing by now he couldn't elicit a better response, he exclaimed, "Beethoven's 5th Symphony!" Now, I don't pretend to be any sort of music guru or snob, but I'm pretty sure that that "song" doesn't have lyrics, so I boldly spoke up. "Uh . . . sorry, but I'm pretty sure that Beethoven's 5th does not have words to it." He promised me that it did, and again I disagreed, until he retorted with, "The Trans-Siberian Orchestra plays it with words!!"

Ah. Excuse me, then--I stand corrected.

As cheap as they get . . .

I (age 21) just moved into a new apartment complex and, naturally, the most obnoxious 19 year old in the complex happened to notice me. We’ll call him Bob. Bob was notorious for trying to put the moves on all of his dates. So I was anything but ecstatic when he asked me out. Although being stuck in this situation was anything but lucky, fate kindly smiled down on me; his roommate decided to double with my roommate an hour before we left.

Because of this little change in plans, we had to leave later than expected since my roommate needed time to get ready. Leaving later meant another change in plans. No big deal. We attempted to go to this Indian restaurant for dinner, only to find it was no longer there. (And I later found out that Bob would take all his dates there and insist on sharing a meal because it’s less expensive that way.) So, instead we drove around for an hour trying to find a place to eat. Every time we drove past a restaurant he’d ask how much it would cost because he was worried about pricing. Finally we decided on a diner in Springville which averaged at $8 a meal. His last words before going in were, “That’s kind of expensive. I’m a poor college student!” Really?! If you’re that poor you shouldn’t offer to take a girl to dinner (because let’s remember that $8 a plate is NOT bad unless you’re going for something like Burger King). After that remark, I ended up getting the cheapest thing on the menu which was about $5. Then I was mocked for it.

After plenty of awkward conversations at the restaurant, we went to the Hare Krishna temple where Bob somehow bargained our entrance fees (because apparently $5/person is TOO much). We were there for about 15 minutes before we decided there was not much to do, so we left.

We headed back to Bob’s apartment to watch some TV. (Um . . . not a good date idea.) After some unsuccessful attempts at holding my hand, he decided to sit on me and tickle me. (Also not cool.) Bob apparently felt like our roommates were cramping his style, so he kept trying to get me to go outside with him to be alone; to, no doubt, try and hold my hand or something. I told him I didn’t want to go outside, so instead of giving up after a few “NO”s….he just decided to force me. He grabbed my arm and started trying to pull me off the couch. Because I was adamant about not going outside, I decided to go limp. Clearly, this too was not clue enough to stop. He dragged me across his apartment floor to the front door, at which time I told him I’d like to go home. Bob and his roommate walked us home, made some smart remarks about door step scenes, then left. Needless to say, he actually took a hint and never asked me out again! SUCCESS!

Booted for Pizza's Sake

*This date story wins a gold star for badness

As freshmen in college you do stupid things. Or stupid things happen to you. Either way it's one of the well-known, unspoken rules that everyone must (or just plain does unknowingly) follow. Years later when you look back on it all--while some details may slip away--the big, fat, stupid, embarrassing memories seem to only get more pungent with time.

This just so happens to be such a memory.

In Britain they call it the boot to begin with. The trunk I mean. Keep this in mind, or nothing else in this story will seem wondrous... or you'll completely miss the pun in the subject line. One or the other.

*Mr. Beanpole was the crazy, funny, goofy one in his apartment. However, he was also the insincere, immature and somewhat awkward one as well. My roommates thought he liked me for a while. I don't have the slightest notion why they would think that. All he did was come over with his apartment for combined FHE and sing lyrics like "we should be lovers!" at the top of his lungs just three inches from my face. He was a classic flirt, but to me that didn't mean much in my direction. Turns out I was right when I answered the phone to hear this from him.

At first he stumbled along through a hello, mentioning that he wanted to know if one of us in the apartment--and it didn't matter who--would go with him to the planetarium that night. "You could call it a date," he said. He then emphasized again, "Anyone though, it doesn't matter who." (Seriously. If you want a girl to feel like a million bucks, say that you want to go out with her... not any one of the six girls in the house. Already I was not too impressed.)

So I laughed, played along with his flippant tone by saying sarcastically, "Oh, so you'll take anything that moves right?" I thought it a clever adaption of a Runaway Bride line. I mused, "I think there's a cat around here somewhere." He laughed back specifying that it had to be a person--a girl. So, being the kindest person in the entire world (forgive me I was a freshmen), I told him I would call him back when I found one of my roommates to go with him. In my mind I was thinking that was better option than having him hear how none of us wanted to go--me included. Being the clueless, but resilient (or desperate?) type he said that this was a really last minute thing, all his roommates already had dates, so he would be right over. Right over meant I had about thirty seconds to figure this out while he crossed the parking lot. Sure enough though, each of my roommates bailed so I ended up being the bait for the date. I should have bailed too, but instead I felt bad, grabbed my shoes and we left.

The planetarium show was already in progress. They wouldn't let us in since we were two minutes late. So backup plan B (that didn't really exist) kicked in: play "capture the flag" in one of the campus buildings. I hardly saw my date, but when I did he said things that were a little weird like how he liked watching me, wanted to hear me say that he was hot, or that he would be gracious enough to let me accept one of his kisses (appending that they were the chocolate kind of course--riiiiiiiiight). Interesting topics for a first date...

Later I got to talking to his roommate, *Texas, and his date, *Sandy, to avoid Mr. Beanpole's awkwardness. Turns out the others were better company. However that didn't stop me from getting nailed in the face with a pillow by that practically impaled my glasses into my brain later at their apartment. Or in other words, it hurt. The reason for the blow? It was "a game." I think it was because I dethroned Mr. Beanpole from being king in Scum. Take your pick.

As the date came to an end out in the parking lot, Mr. Beanpole's roommate, Texas, told me to stand still. Instantly my mind raced through what he or Mr. Beanpole could possibly be thinking to do. The options not being in my favor, I disapproved, and moved. One look at Sandy told me I had done the right thing. One look at the boys said that they too were quite disappointed. However, in a distracting conversation they spontaneously picked Sandy and I both up, and put us... in the trunk.

Yes. You heard me right. The trunk of the car. So much for chivalry.

Later Mr. Beanpole said he thought it would be a fun thing to do, but might have been a little awkward to have a girl and a boy in the trunk together. How considerate that he was thinking of things he could do that were not awkward. I mean driving around town to go get a pizza on the other side of town is the most natural thing to do… IN A TRUNK. Not comfortable no matter what way you do it. Trust me on this one. Getting out of the trunk in a public parking lot is a little embarrassing. People keep looking at you with wide eyes trying to make sure you're not being abducted or something. The boys graciously (insert a nice big eye roll here) allowed the two of us girls to ride in the back of the car.

Once back safe and sound on solid ground the boys tried to prank us with an empty pizza box or dropping things so that they "had to" bend over right in front of me as I'm walking behind him up the stairs. You know, to be funny. (Not very funny at this point, but at least we did get pizza out of it in the end. Nourishment does wonders when you're desperate to get out of there.)

When Mr. Beanpole finally dropped me off, he did not leave me at the door. Instead he decided that he wanted to come into the apartment to see how my roommates would react to hearing about the date. He wanted to see how girls "talk with their eyes without talking." Most likely our faces were a mixture of "deer in the headlights" and "utter horror" but he didn't seem to catch either sentiment. Honestly, I still don't remember how I described all this to my roommates. I mean, how do you tell people that your date (a FIRST date) locked you in their trunk? It's a little awkward...

The moral of this story for the girls: just say no. Really, letting them down from the start can't be as bad as this.

The moral of this story for the boys: put the pizza in the trunk--not the date. Please!

A laptop is good for many things

This was a second or third date with *Ryan. The plan was to head up Provo canyon with some of his friends and their dates, cook tin foil dinners, and watch a movie on someone's laptop (because laptops make possible something as cool as watching a movie while up in the canyon).

It's a bit of a drive up the canyon, but we all made it, found a nice spot at one of the park areas, unloaded everything from the cars, and began prepping vegetables, etc. for the tin foil dinners. Then someone discovered that a crucial dinner element had been left behind - the tin foil. So, one couple left to drive all the way back down the canyon to retrieve the foil. By the time they drove all the way back up the canyon, it was dark. Assembling a tin foil dinner by the light of a flashlight was interesting.

I think we started watching the movie while dinner was cooking on the fire. I must say, it was not the most supreme movie-watching experience of my life. A laptop doesn't have great sound-projection abilities, and we were right next to a little stream, so Ryan and I couldn't actually hear the movie. A laptop doesn't generally have a large screen, and we did have a large group on our date, so Ryan and I couldn't actually see the movie, either. I had not previously seen the movie, so I really had no idea what it was that I wasn't able to hear or to see.

Part way through the movie someone checked the dinners (by the most excellent light of a flashlight) and decided they were done enough to eat. Having been raised by an extremely food-safety-conscious mother, I was hesitant about eating what I perceived to be more-raw-than-done meat. So I picked around in my tin foil and ate a few bites of not-so-soft vegetables. Yummy.

About this time the laptop battery ran out, which, of course, meant the movie shut off. Never fear though - the date planners had brought along a back-up laptop. Hooray. Now the movie which I could neither hear nor see could continue. The laptop switch was made and the movie was queued back up.

Shortly thereafter we heard a man speaking loudly into a megaphone, instructing everyone to leave the canyon. What? Yes, you see the canyon parks are closed after 10:00 PM. Lovely. Someone turned on the headlights of one of the cars so we could see enough to pack everything up. We drove back to Provo, to the real home (not the apartment) of one of the girls. I'm sure inside this home we could have found a lovely family room with a DVD player and a normal size television where we could have finished watching the movie (because who could end the date without at least finishing the movie?). But, instead the decision was made to bring out our blankets and watch the end of the movie on the LAPTOP while sitting on her front lawn.

In other news, Ryan and I are now happily married. :)