How to Win Friends--or Dates: part 2

After the chicken delivery incident, I gave up the "how to win friends" tactics and returned to my own natural, awkward conversation skills . . . until about a year and a half later.

I was at institute and decided to be a nice person and talk to a boy I had been vaguely acquainted with in high school. I didn't actually 'know' him in high school, but we had been in a class or two together. So, anyway, I decided to practice my conversational question asking skills again, and it was chicken delivery all over again.

I started with, "What's your major?"

"Biology." I majored in English. Biology was actually the very last class I took as an undergraduate. But I guess it could be interesting . . . animals, plants, people, they're all interesting . . .

We continued on to discussion of jobs, and it turned out he worked in a biology lab.

"So," I followed up, "what exactly do you study at the lab?"

"Fungus."

Well, I impressed him with my ability to use the correct plural form, 'fungi,' and found out something about world about stopping world hunger, but really, fungi.

A few weeks later we were on a date.

Our ride-to-the-concert conversation was okay. I found out he knew a south east Asian language and wanted to hear all about it. But on the ride home, I searched for a new topic. None of my questions sparked a good conversation, and all I got were brief responses.

Finally, I asked, "So what do you like to do?"

"Biology."

"No, I mean what do you like to outside of school."

"I study fungi."

"So when you're not doing school, or studying the fungus, or doing anything else related to science, what do you do? Like in your spare time?"

I was expecting him to talk about sports or music or books. Even if it were geeky sci-fi books or some weird Star Trek obsession, I could deal with it. His response, "I like Linux."

Long pause from me.

"Oh, what's Linux?"

"It's an operating system."

"Huh."

Another long pause. I recovered from my dismay and asked, "What do you do with Linux?"

"Well, I like to write code and figure different stuff out with it."

Shoot me now.

And that was the end of our conversation. Pretty much for the rest of the ride home.

The end. The end of us being friends or going on dates. And the end of me trying to win friends and influence people.

Bad Date Tip of the Week

Last week's bad date tip included bad questions you could ask your bad date. Of course, responses to the classic "What's your major?" can lead to other excellent queries.

To the music major: Commercial real estate or residential?

To the humanities major: What are your plans for eating in the future?

To the teaching major: Which book/film from your youth led you to the idealistic notion that you can change students' lives through teaching? To Sir, with Love? Stand and Deliver? Goodbye, Mr. Chips?

To the law student: Are you required to comprise your moral values as a student? Or does that come with the internship?

To the med student: What unhealthy lifestyle choices are you practicing which you would hypocritically advise others against?

To the science major: Did you have (human) friends growing up?

To the computer science major: Do you have (human) friends now?--I mean ones you see in person, not just people you play online game with or met in chat rooms about online games.

To the business major: Is the gold tie and blue dress shirt combo required for your program? Or do you all just shop off the same mannequins?

To the accountant: If I continue dating you, will you do my taxes for free? (If the answer is 'yes,' and it's between the first of the year and April 15, might be worth the pain of dating them.)

To the engineering major: (No further questions, you have already died of boredom.)

Bad Date Tip of the Week

We all know that it's good to ask a date questions about him/herself. This shows that you're interested in them, and that you're a nice person. So next time you're interested (in having a bad time) and want (to appear) to be a nice (but socially inept person), try these unusual and/or probing questions:

So, how many brothers and sisters do you have that you like?

Have you ever been (unintentionally) responsible for the death of one of your pets?

What's your favorite food to binge on when you're depressed?

What movies and television shows do you lie about liking or disliking in order to gain the approval of others?

Do you feel that your job/major is actually useful and necessary in the world? If 'yes,' continue questioning. If 'no,' console them in their irrelevance or point out the necessity of your own job/major.